When Do I Get to Do My Own Stuff?

The past a few months might be the time for myself to realize that I am not really working as hard as I should have. I constantly felt that I have been struggling with life and I cannot do things I really would like to do. I am not young any more and it’s high time I built my career, and yet I haven’t even started yet. The stress is wearing me out and I don’t know where to start. Is this my fate? Please don’t tell it is.

Tired

I have been studying and working at the same time and I feel really exhausted. Bf doesn’t understand what I am going to through right now. I hope next year, everything will be better. 2012 so far is not as bad as 2011, but it seems I have to live through the ripple that was generated before. Holding on is the only remedy that I can come up with right now.

Lazy Saturday

Boyfriend and I slept late today and we didn’t do much today. I guess it’s not a sin to be a little lazy for this nice and hot weekend. We had pizza in the midnight and I hope we don’t get fat. lol

May

So life has been quite peaceful lately and I don’t know if this is a good thing or not. Sometimes it gets to the point where I don’t even know what to do and it’s boring as hell. Although I want to go to gym badly, I just don’t have the motivation to do so. It’s a waste to see that I have to pay the gym membership each semester. I guess when people gradually settle down, there is less and less interesting things to write about in life. I have to admit that the things I think about most is what to eat for dinner tonight. Isn’t that pathetic? I hope something fun that my bf and I could do together to make life less boring.

End of Semester

So since May is coming, the Spring Semester is coming to an end. I cannot believe how fast time is flying and to some extent I am very glad that summer is coming.

I had a big fight with bf on the weekend and I didn’t feel very nice yesterday. It’s difficult to comprise sometimes even when you know it would be the best. We are still fine, but I don’t know if we would fight again about little meaningless things again.

As much as I would love to enjoy the life here, it seems there is always endless things for me to finish. I haven’t been to the gym for a long time and I still don’t know when I could be able to do it…

A Weekend

So I am very glad not to go anywhere this weekend since I wasn’t doing so well in the finals and I felt awful. I wished the teacher wasn’t biased and was more professional. Oh, well…

Good Night World

It’s been a relaxing day again but I don’t know I am tried so easily. I guess it’s because I have to get up early tomorrow morning. Anyhow, I guess I could have more time here to write more as time goes by. Hugs, world.

Simple but Complicated

There are a lot of things happened lately other than my study and my effort towards my PhD degree. But all are good and towards the right direction fortunately. I am surprised sometimes how I can put up with someone’s shit for a long time without doing anything. Right now, it seems everything is getting better.

My new roommate is surely an asshole as he wrote “Fag” on my car and on the bathroom wall. Apparently he doesn’t like me but the way he is dealing with things is quite immature and sad. I can easily turn him in to the authorities based on the things he did to me but I guess I don’t want to waste my time on these nonsense. I would take actions if he tries to get things worse. The good thing is he is going to kicked out by the landlord since what he did was not acceptable according to the landlord. I am glad that someone can help me with this at some point. It’s really unfortunately that even though he claims that he very tolerant, he is very racist and narrow minded. I am not wasting my time on him for sure.

I really hope that 2012 would be better for me and I am heading the right direction!

November

It's been another year and I feel I have become really numb. Roommate had his friend over for several nights and they have been making noise all night to bother me. I, of course, don't know why, nor do I actually care. All I think about is I will move when the time comes. K and I had a fight on the weekend and he cried again. I sensed that was pretty serious to  him so I apologized. He is like a kid sometimes and that worries me constantly. We shall see.

New Survivor

As a big fan of reality TV shows, 'Survivor' has always been one of my favorite shows. And this season, Survivor premiered last week and it's been really great to watch those gorgeous men in the show, especially men in their undies. There are some good looking ladies for sure as always, for those pathetic straight men, but I kind of like the director this time who gave more shots to those hot men with undies than previous seasons. It would have been so much better if some of the naked scenes are not censored, but I know it's too much to ask. 

Still Here

I felt like writing something sometimes lately, but I just don’t know where to start. Sometimes life is just playing a fool on me and I have been disappointing myself in a way that I cannot even realize right now. On the road to find who I am, I am a little lost and I surrendered to what my fate has placed on me. I thought I was a warrior who would never give up, but sometimes I am too tired to fight for what is right for me. I am weak deep inside and I have nobody to talk to about it. Maybe one day, when I get used to these things, I might feel numb and I won’t give a thing about anything.

It hurts in a way that’s hard to describe to see my peers graduate from grad schools and getting their PhDs. Whereas for me, I am still struggling to find where I am. I was expecting some kind of a hardship but I didn’t expect to suffer both physically and mentally. It’s a little shocking to see one of my best friends is going for his post doc research and it reminds me of this inferiority complex that caged me throughout high school years. It was depressing and for one time in my life, I felt I could get away from those feelings, it seems to come back again.

Sitting in front of the computer not focusing on study seems to be the theme for me lately and I regrettably felt ashamed of myself afterwards all the time. The internet is a double edged sword as they put it and it’s true. This unhealthy routine has to go if I want to break through and there always should be some prodding to push me through the hard time. I needed that and I need it now.

Hanging around with a whole bunch of younger kids doesn’t make me feel good about myself and on the contrary I felt I had to be the older brother to teach them how to walk. I am tired and I don’t think I still have that kind of energy to discover what I have discovered before. Life is not about repeating and it’s about finding new things. For that, I loathe some of the decisions I made but I don’t regret them because I tried my best. It’s paradoxically because life has to go on and I felt to some extent I let myself down. Living with this high expectation isn’t what I planned but surely that’s how I was taught when growing up. Failure is not acceptable in my dictionary and maybe that’s why I made bad decisions a lot in the past two years. Tears had dried on their own, but things are still the same. I am still here, waking up to have the same routine like I had in the past years.

Summer

So it seems summer is coming to an end and nothing seems to be changed at this moment. What a pity!

Bad Day

I don’t know why, but this morning I was kind of expecting that today is going to be bad. It turned out to be bad eventually with myself almost breaking down. I guess maybe hopefully if I hold on long enough, things can be better…I do hope so…desperately…

Numb

So I was sent to the hospital and the doctor did the surgery on me while I was completely knocked out. It wasn’t painful at all as I thought and I just had to pay attention to the post surgery condition of myself. I do hope this is the new start of my good life and things would be better after what I have been through in the past so many months.

Men

I went to downtown today and saw lots of hot men today. It’s always a pleasure to see different men from all walks of life. I cannot get enough of them.

Pain

People sometimes make bad decisions and bad judgments, because we are not super men. After the disastrous week last week, I am looking forward to the redemption to save myself from the place where I don’t want to be. I feel awful but my friend was kind enough to let me stay with him for a few days. As bad as I have been feeling, I didn’t really have much of a choice at this point. My friend’s boyfriend came to his place for the weekend and I felt that I was in the middle of their business although they welcomed me cordially. I promised myself to be good and not to damage their relationship and I would. I am proud of myself because in the past week, nothing happened and I don’t feel guilty.