Still Here

I felt like writing something sometimes lately, but I just don’t know where to start. Sometimes life is just playing a fool on me and I have been disappointing myself in a way that I cannot even realize right now. On the road to find who I am, I am a little lost and I surrendered to what my fate has placed on me. I thought I was a warrior who would never give up, but sometimes I am too tired to fight for what is right for me. I am weak deep inside and I have nobody to talk to about it. Maybe one day, when I get used to these things, I might feel numb and I won’t give a thing about anything.

It hurts in a way that’s hard to describe to see my peers graduate from grad schools and getting their PhDs. Whereas for me, I am still struggling to find where I am. I was expecting some kind of a hardship but I didn’t expect to suffer both physically and mentally. It’s a little shocking to see one of my best friends is going for his post doc research and it reminds me of this inferiority complex that caged me throughout high school years. It was depressing and for one time in my life, I felt I could get away from those feelings, it seems to come back again.

Sitting in front of the computer not focusing on study seems to be the theme for me lately and I regrettably felt ashamed of myself afterwards all the time. The internet is a double edged sword as they put it and it’s true. This unhealthy routine has to go if I want to break through and there always should be some prodding to push me through the hard time. I needed that and I need it now.

Hanging around with a whole bunch of younger kids doesn’t make me feel good about myself and on the contrary I felt I had to be the older brother to teach them how to walk. I am tired and I don’t think I still have that kind of energy to discover what I have discovered before. Life is not about repeating and it’s about finding new things. For that, I loathe some of the decisions I made but I don’t regret them because I tried my best. It’s paradoxically because life has to go on and I felt to some extent I let myself down. Living with this high expectation isn’t what I planned but surely that’s how I was taught when growing up. Failure is not acceptable in my dictionary and maybe that’s why I made bad decisions a lot in the past two years. Tears had dried on their own, but things are still the same. I am still here, waking up to have the same routine like I had in the past years.